So of course, I’d use my first blog post to talk about my first whole year of being single, because why not? It’s been one hell of a year and I have a lot to say about it. The amount of growth, acknowledgment, and peace that has taken place during this year feels heavy as I’m writing this. But heavy in the best way possible.

As I sit here listening to Hozier, and Florence and the Machine, who have been astronimical in getting me through this year, I’m trying to remember who I was last year on this day. I had just done something that took a lot of courage, I ended my first “normalish” relationship. I say normalish because the toxicity didn’t stand out like a sore thumb as it did in the others. No, this one was suttle. A light tapping that eventually began to gnaw at my insides begging me to reevaluate. He treated me kind, he treated me with respect and was loyal as all get out, and for that I am grateful to him. But I started to see just how much my life was shifting to suit the needs of his circumstances. We had a long distance relationship, and he did work hard to make sure we had time together but in the end I had to be honest with myself and what I saw for my future.

I hadn’t seen him in a month, and some pretty narly things were going on in both of our lives. So on this day one year ago, I made the decision to end our relationship via a video call. I’d be lying if I said it was easy and my pits weren’t sweating for days but the amount of relief I felt once I hung up was everything.

You might be asking, what’s so important about being single for a year? Well, I have been dating for 23 years give or take and have never been single for more than a month. I know, I can’t believe I just admitted that on this public platform that anyone could read. But it’s true, and I am here to tell you that this unplanned year off has made all the difference.

I’ve learned to appreciate my time, and myself. I’ve taken the time to get to know me. To sit and be honest with myself. Granted some of those moments were not cute, not even a little bit. And some were quite sad, but that sadness had to happen, I had to feel it all the way down to my core, and then let it go. I’d be lying if I said I’m done, or that I’m healed, because this journey is infinite. For that I am grateful.

One year ago today I began saying no, when I would usually say yes. This began the transformation from people pleaser to a me pleaser. The truth of what I want and don’t want. Who I want to spend my time with and who I don’t. What I want to devote my time to, and what I don’t. This is a time of honesty, and nothing else will work for me.

One additional thing that really made all the difference is that months before this decision was made, I had met who I now call my BFF, soul sister, and someone who has definitely been in all of my past lives. Little did I know then how much I needed this friendship. She gets all the things that make me, me. We support the hell out of each other in every move we make. We’re there for the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and her well-being in all things life I take very seriously. I don’t know if we talk about that enough as women, as humans, but we should. So Eli, if you’re reading this, thank you! I know I don’t need to list all the things, you already know.

I don’t foresee a relationship happening for me anytime soon, I have a lot of work to do. But I will remain the optimistic I have always been. Open to life, open to abundance. Screaming at the top of my lungs, thank you! Gratitude for days!